Always in My Heart

It was May 9th, 2016. It was my last day of class for sophomore year before finals’ week. I can still recall Daddy barging into my room around 4am in the morning telling me to wake up because you were being revived. I went into the living room and I saw my parents and my sister. Mommy was already crying and I was still in denial, thinking it was just a dream. A bad dream. I just couldn’t process it in my head…

Then, Daddy told me to lead our family in prayer and I asked God to breathe and speak life over you. Then, I took a shower and after I came out, everything went downhill. I heard my Tito talking to my Mom: “Ate, iniwan na tayo ni Mama.” I remember not being able to shed a tear and just wanting to scream. I called my best friend but I couldn’t say a word. It was a mixture of tears running down my face and screams of pain coming from the inside out. MY WORLD FELL APART on May 9, 2016. 

Throughout the day, I just kept staring blankly in space. I kept asking God, why? Why did He let this happen? You were perfectly fine when we greeted you for mother’s day yesterday. Why now? I was so hurt that He took you away from me. I couldn’t accept the fact that He could do such a thing. I honestly thought God doesn’t answer my prayers anymore. For a while, I became scared to pray, thinking that God doesn’t hear me anymore since He didn’t answer my prayer for you…

Slowly, God reminded me that He is the Author of our lives and the Finisher of our faith [see Hebrews 12:2]. He gives and He takes away [see Job 1:21]. That the lives we live are borrowed lives from Him and our lives belong to Him alone. I may never find out nor understand the reasons why He took you home on May 9th of 2016 but one thing is for sure, God has a perfect time for everything [see Ecclesiastes 3]. Knowing that He has healed you completely from all the heavy breathing, dependence on an oxygen tank and nebulizer, etc. gave me peace because I know you are resting well with joy in the Father’s arms.

It’s been a year since THAT DAY. But the pain still feels like it was just yesterday. Not a single day has passed by that I did not long to hear your voice, your laughter, your prayers. So many things have happened and I wish you were still here to witness them. I wish I can still call you randomly in the evening and just tell you about my day until I fall asleep. It’s been 365 days. 

Every day I miss you because every day I love you.

I will forever be grateful for your BIG heart. For your unconditional love and your endless prayers. For your generosity and your simplicity. I thank you for imparting a legacy of love that I will surely pass on generation after generations. And no matter how time flies, you will always be in my heart. My Mommy Cool, Happy 1st Anniversary with the Father in heaven! I love you so much and I celebrate your life!

Signing off,

JAG [a.k.a. Just A Girl]

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